I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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