there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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