you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
