Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I want a musical about memes.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
