Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
