Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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