I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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