How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
