The maid of honor just puked.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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