We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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