I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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