Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
