Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
