shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
