You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I am naked and annoyed.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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