I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
