i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
