On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
