Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
