Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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