Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
