Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
