God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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