And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I need a beard to bite.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
