Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
