he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
