You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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