Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
