well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The uberlube is also flammable
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
