You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
