How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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