Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
