They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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