Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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