It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
