so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
