Don't EVER smell your tampon
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
