The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
