she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
