Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
