im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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