I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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