So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
