Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
