I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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