therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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