She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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