life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
