Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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