I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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