I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He did a backflip because drugs
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
