For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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